Like A Boat Drifting On The Water

It's been a little over a year since I've posted here.  As I read through some of my old posts I feel as if I'm reading another person's blog.  Every thought she wrote strikes a chord within me.  I remember the emotions she felt when she wrote it.  I remember the guilt and how discouraged she felt when she binged or when she took a small bite of something "toxic".  I remember how she told herself what a failure she was.  She had never succeeded at anything so what made her think she'd succeed at becoming healthy?

I cried for her.  I wanted to reach out to her and tell her to be patient that she actually was succeeding.  I wanted to ease her pain and the guilt she felt.  I wanted to tell her how worthy she is to be healthy and happy.  But, then, I realized, I'm the one who wrote it...

It's like the, "boat drifting on the water" scenario.  I felt like I was getting absolutely nowhere.  I was running in place.  I countered every good thing I did with something bad.  And, that's all I focused on; everything I was "failing" at.  However, there was/is one thing that I was/am pretty persistent/consistent with - I NEVER GAVE UP.  Because of that, I AM succeeding!  

I talk as if I've finished my journey but I'm right in the middle of it.  I'm 160 lbs. down and becoming healthier.  My mind and body have changed so much, I can hardly believe I'm, me...

RAW! RAW! RAW!

Today is the first day of my 30 days of raw venture!  YAY ME!  I have been wanting to do a juice-fast but I just don't think I can commit to that right now.  Since eating raw fruits and vegetables has the same results but just a slower process, I thought this is something I can definitely do.  

A few months ago I started seriously thinking about commitment.  I had avoided it in just about every aspect of my life and just the very thought of it made me cringe.  Someone might call me on a Monday and ask me to have lunch with them on Friday and my response would be, "Call me on Friday and we'll see."  And, if I did commit myself to something, I'd fret over it because then I definitely would have to honor my commitment to someone else.  I just couldn't honor a commitment to myself.  for what seems all my life, I had failed at anything I attempted to do.  Not only with diets but with everything!  One day I would be gunge-ho and the next day I would be so depressed I could hardly get out of bed.   Eventually, I was at the point where I stopped making commitments.  I wouldn't commit to a relationship; I wouldn't commit to bettering myself; I wouldn't commit to taking someone to the store!

What bothered me most was that I wanted to go back to God but I was so afraid of failing that I could not make the commitment.  I would pray occasionally asking for help to return to Him but deep in my heart I felt I would fail and that He would get tired of me asking and eventually would tell me to go away.

I have learned a lot since then.  My thinking has evolved and I understand more clearly what I have done to myself emotionally.  I need not fear commitment or failure.  I'm doing better and making small commitments that I know I can accomplish.  30 days of eating 100% raw is one of them.  :o) 

Salsa, Salsa And More SALSA!

Everything raw that I've been making lately tastes like salsa.  I made something called, "White Beans With Green Peppers" earlier last week.  It called for beans, green pepper, onion, garlic, parsley and red wine vinegar.  It was tasty but everything overpowered the mild taste of the beans.  The other day I made, "Chopped Vegetable Salad"  which called for red, yellow and green peppers, carrots, cucumber, tomatoes, garlic, dill, green onions and lemon juice.  Again, everything overpowered the mild flavors of the carrot and cucumber.  All of it tasted pretty much like salsa which I love but after awhile, blah... blah... blah...

I am a potato/pasta addict and used to eat those two things daily at every meal.  For several months now I have only been eating one or the other about once a month.  *Heavy sigh* However, lately, I've been eating one or the other once a week.  I use Barilla multi-grain pasta but still... it's pasta... and white potatoes...  At the moment I just don't care.  Of course, my blood sugar responds negatively so I'll have to get myself back in check... soon...

Otherwise, I'm doing very well.  I feel my health improving and I feel like I'm losing weight.  None of my dress clothes fit anymore.  I went out today and bought three dress tops that were on clearance.  Now, I need to break out the sewing machine and learn to take-in my skirts and pants.  YAY ME!!

It's A SAD, SAD World

I watched a video on YouTube several months ago of a young man, a young VEGAN man doing a cooking demonstration death metal style.  He, in his black t-shirt with black painted fingernails, satanic symbols tattooed on his arms, was sacrificing vegetables with his satanic ritual knife.  (I swear!! LOL)  I sat through it with a blank, quizzical look on my face thinking this video is just wrong on so many levels.  But, of course, satanists can be vegan too!

Tonight, I have been sitting here thinking about the SAD (Standard American Diet) world and all its woes.  It's hard to see something for what it really is when you're right in the midst of it or until you discover something better.  When I discovered juicing and the, "Eat To Live" lifestyle, I was overjoyed and horrified at the same time.  Overjoyed that I had "seen the light" and horrified when I learned that all my life I had been consuming processed, food-like concoctions that can only result in disease and death.  It's the stuff horror movies are made of!  And, I still want it sometimes even though I hate that I do...

What really miffs me is that I tend to pack up all the reasons to stay away from that crap into a box and shove it to the back of the closet until I'm finished binging.  Then, I'll dig through the closet of my mind and remind myself of all the reasons to stay away from it. 

After a binge I visualize a scenario of wallowing in filthy, disease-ridden mire. I feel ashamed and then hurry back to all that is good and healthy.  And, then, like God, my body forgives me and begins its healing process...

The Past Is Present

Discovering the world of juicing and the extraordinary health benefits of eating  whole-foods has had such a profound effect on my life.  I was amazed to learn that this lifestyle could not only cure my Type II Diabetes, my joint problems and any other problem I had, it could also cure cancer!  CANCER!!  I am in awe of whole foods and the power they hold and could not wait to jump on the juicing bandwagon and get my life and health in order.  I knew that it would be hard to give up my diet of two 2-litres of pops, all the processed foods and my daily meals of pasta and potatoes but I was on a mission! 

Little did I know that my SAD (Standard American Diet) was actually a drug I used to ease the emotional pain that must have started back when I was a child.  I was aware of my issues but I really thought I had worked through them and was... okay.  However, they all came to the surface when I began juicing.  Why?  Because I was trying to let go of the drug that soothed me.  Every emotion I couldn't deal with was buried in pasta, potatoes and cheese.

There is no room in a nutritarian lifestyle for meat, dairy or processed foods.  There is no room for Mountain Dew, sweet tea, white potatoes or pasta.  The nutritarian lifestyle is what I want.  I do well for a few weeks but then stress and depression attack me and I become overwhelmed.  A year ago, I would have given up on the idea and let stress and depression consume me.  But, I refuse to give up no matter how many times I might fall down.  A year ago my only option was to end my life which would end my misery.  Discovering juicing and whole foods suddenly gave me another option - life.  I now have two options; to live or die.  Choosing life would mean adopting a plant-based lifestyle.  Choosing death would mean living as I always have.  I can't accept that.  I cannot look into the future and see myself as I am now...  I just don't want to be there if that's what my future holds.  So, you see, I can't stop trying because it means death...